I don’t deal with sadness very well. Whilst I like a moan, I like to see the good in life and feeling sad pulls away from that.
Grief is even worse than sadness. It pulls on every single emotion from your range. Sadness, rage, anger. You cannot control these emotions, any emotions for that matter. So for me, it’s hard to deal with.
I’ve only dealt with death once in my life. I was about 11/ 12 when I lost my granddad and though I cannot remember my exact age, I remember the day- it was my birthday.
The day before I was at school and my friends were looking forward to giving me my presents. That evening I went to bed, trying to go to sleep but I was too excited. When I woke up, it took a few moments to realise I wasn’t in my home. I was at my grandparent’s house (my dad’s parents). It was my grandma who broke the news that my mum had rushed us up here because her dad was in the hospital. When my mum came through the door a few hours later, she didn’t need to say the words, I knew what had happened. My uncle arrived the next day from Germany where he lived and my dad came early from his posting with the RAF. The next 24/ 48 hours was a blur of people coming in and out of the house. It wasn’t until the next day that people realised what the day was also significant for, which I think broke my mum’s heart. It didn’t matter to me, it was just a birthday. And I cared at that moment was being there for my mum and my sister.
Last Friday I lost my other Granddad. It wasn’t a huge shock, not out of the blue at all. But when I heard the news I had all the wind knocked out of me. He had two strokes in a row when I was 21 and hasn’t been happy since. In some ways, I’m relieved he’s no longer in pain, but it doesn’t away from the sadness I’m feeling right now.
These past few days I have been from left to right with the emotions I am feeling. When I’m happy I’m basking in this emotion. When I start to feel sad I’m clawing at anything to get away from it. I hate myself when I’m feeling sad. I know it’s a perfectly normal emotion to feel at this time, but I just do not deal with it well at all. To try and escape from it, I’m doing everything I can to help people out. Anything to get out of my head and away from feeling sad.
Partly the reason why I’m writing this is that it’s cathartic. As I’m typing I’m releasing everything onto paper, getting it out of my head and my body away from me. It is also though, helping me to embrace my emotions. For some twisted reason, I see sadness as a weakness. Which is why though I’m a very open person, no one really sees me during the emotional, painful times. I slap on a smile pretend everything is fine.
Everything is not fine at the moment. There are other things going on as well as dealing with this, which I will one day explain- right now is not the time nor my right to go into it. And though I’m not going to play a woe-is-me card for attention and sympathy, I feel it is important to be open about our feelings. I also feel it is important to lead by example and I can’t tell people to embrace feeling sad if I am not doing so myself.
So this is my current state of affairs right now. Sadly, I’m not in the mood to be doing any more festive content, other than the ones I’ve got pre-schedule. It’s a shame but I know you all understand. I am still going to carry on with my secret project as I spoke about in my December goals. I’m still going to go about my everyday life. I don’t want to hide away from it, but I also don’t want to give this false illusion of a perfect life that’s happening right now. Right now, my priorities are my dad and my grandma.
Thank you to all my friends who have done nothing but shown me love these past few days. It’s honestly been overwhelming how much love people have shown for me these past few days. And thank you guys for being supportive and understanding.